Let’s skip the introductions, shall we? It’s the all too common practice of online dating today.
Thanks to your terribly constructed and mistakenly well-thought-out dating profile, I already know your name, where you’re from, and what you like. For some, this is an icebreaker rather skipped. For me, it’s an opportunity to judge you mercilessly because you don’t know the difference between your and you’re. So, it says here that you like dogs and your mom is you’RE best friend? Really? Captivating. Let me read on. *Swipes left*.
Chivalry is out, awful pickup lines are in, and I want the old days back where men had balls and women had options. Online dating. Here we go.
To set the record straight, I am very happy about my single life. I am the busiest, yet laziest person I know and have very little time to be a socialite.
After a long week of work, I spend my weekends curled up on the couch hugging a bottle of wine while watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy.
“Why Celeste,” you say, “Online dating would be perfect for someone like you!”. Let me stop you right there. I’ve tried it. Countless times. I’m a repeat offender of downloading and deleting Tinder, Bumble and OkCupid. I often hope that the next time will be different, and not to my surprise, it never is.
However, I will admit my faults. For someone who believes Amy Schumer and Chelsea Handler are her long lost sisters, (it’s possible, I’m half white), my online personality resembles more of Helen Keller. I can’t hear you, I can’t physically see you and I therefore don’t care and lose interest. The conversations begin with a hello, are followed by revolting small talk, and IF I don’t get a creepy-murderous vibe from you, we make false promises to meet up and never do. It’s the happy persons way to fill a sad void created by the societal pressure to find “the one”.
But when did the Cinderella story turn into a Tinderella nightmare?
Your unforgettable misogynistic catch phrases suck and no, I would not like to “ride your face rather than the bench”. Whatever that means.
With every swipe, un-match and block of a potential boo, my confidence dwindles and my sweatpants continue to win over my Saturday nights. I want McDreamy to sweep me off my feet just as much as the next girl, but if online dating is the only way to find him, I’ll just invest in a more expensive wine. You know where to look for me.
So, here’s to the hopeless romantics that have boycotted dating apps. May your rom-com fantasies come to life, and your dream guy lock you down and never let you go.